I was putting together my to-do list this morning and noticing the piddly little stuff that is on it…stuff that nobody notices that I do: Go to Aldi’s to get hormone-free milk and hormone-free eggs, buy Easter-basket stuff for the kids for this weekend, wash everyone’s sheets today, buy bagels at Einstein’s for stocking the freezer for breakfasts, morning musing, cleaning the coffee pot, disinfecting the kitchen counters…and I started to feel self-conscious. See, Stan is home again today (working from home yet again because he still has pink-eye) and I was comparing the work that he does every day to the work that I do every day. He gets to help improve healthcare in a way that allows hospitals to save money…which in turn means that individuals seeking help can save money…which in turn means that lives are changed or even saved. I, on the other-hand, am making sure that we have clean hand-towels in the guest bathroom and making sure that the backyard gets pooper-scooped. It’s not the same. And, if I’m honest, I was feeling inadequate in comparison to this man that I love. I actually thought “I have a master’s degree in Integrative Physiology…did I really need to get that to make sure that our counters get cleaned properly?” It is not Stan’s fault that I was feeling this way..in fact, he won’t even know about it unless he reads my musing on Facebook…but, there it is. The ugly, honest, real me…insecurity up to my eyeballs at times.
So, as I was putting laundry into the washer and realizing that my family doesn’t even know how to run our washer…and thinking “If I died, how long would they use the same dirty sponge in the kitchen or the same hand-towels in the bathrooms before washing them?”…and it hit me…this is so unattractive. I started thinking about it (are you surprised? Me? Over-thinking something? Shocker!) and decided that I am not questioning this because I feel under-appreciated. I’m not thinking this because I feel un-loved. I feel this way because I have temporarily lost sight of my mission: My mission is to selflessly love the people that God has put into my life by whatever means I can. My family and friends don’t need me to move mountains and walk on water…they need me to wash mountains of clothes and put water in the coffee-maker. They don’t need me to be presented with a nobel peace prize…they need me to be present and they need me to provide a peaceful environment in which to thrive and grow.
I should not compare my calling to the calling of others…because my calling is mine…it is from God. I am not called to be Stan, or you, or anyone else. I am called to be me…and that is enough…sometimes I forget that…but it IS enough…and enough IS good. It is sometimes difficult to remember that I don’t have to justify my existence when I am faced with people (who I love) who are doing earth-changing things…but I keep hearing the sweet voice of God telling me to “be still…be present…be where I have you.” So, today, I will fill the car with gas, sweep the floor again, and make a dinner that my kids think tastes like crap because it includes vegetables…but, I will do it knowing that it is my calling and the best thing I can do is honor the calling that God has chosen for me.
Every time I think I have this under control, it sneaks up on me again and I have to re-set. What about you? Do you struggle with this or am I the only ingrate that “has it all” but still whines about my purpose?