I did all the things!!!! All. The. Things. Every single thing that you do to make sure you sleep good: drank warm decaffeinated tea, took a hot shower, sat petting puppies, took two benadryl, put mentholatum on my chest, sat in the dark looking at the Christmas tree and listening to the sound of my breath. C’mon! Why am I still awake?! Ugh…and why does the voice in my head sound so whiny? Shouldn’t I have some control over this? Maybe that is why I’m still awake…it should sound more like James Earl Jones…no…too dramatic…the All State guy…what’s his name?…President Palmer from 24!…yeah!…that’s him! He can be the new voice in my head because he doesn’t sound annoying…he sounds…presidential…😀 That’s better. Ok, now I’m ready to sleep.
Alarms! I’ve got to make sure to set all the alarms for getting the kids up for school and picking them up and getting them to and from all of their activities or else I’m going to forget them somewhere and Stan is going to have to work an additional ten years before retirement just to pay for all of their counseling appointments. Counseling appointment! I need to make sure to follow up with that engaged couple to see if they got into pre-marriage counseling or if we need to take them on. Don’t want to forget to check on that tomorrow so I’ll just send myself a text real quick…ok, now I’m ready to sleep.
Do I have to pee? Grrrrr…I shouldn’t have thought about it. Just thinking about it means that I have to do it. I’m pretty sure that is some sort of disorder or something. I could lay here and try to go to sleep but it is just going to wake me up again later anyway…why? Why? WHY???? And when did the whiny voice come back??? I’m definitely switching back to the President Palmer voice but AFTER I pee because that would be creepy (for both of us! HA! Surprise Mr. President!) Hold please…Ok, and now, your president: you may go to sleep now.
I can’t breathe. That is the worst thing about trying to sleep when you’re sick. What is it about lying down that makes your nose fill with cement? It is somewhat empty when you are vertical and then magically fills when you go horizontal. Screw Criss Angel…this is some dark magic right here…I bet it is connected to the Fall…only the devil could deprive people of sleep and breath when they feel this crappy. And the medicine that promises breath? Those nyquil commercials are lying mother f—-ers! I even have the prescription stuff and it doesn’t work. I may actually have whiplash from the sneezing…and why does my nose seem to be so fickle? From clogged to running and back and forth. I may actually die here from asphyxiation unless I use nose spray but it is supposed to be addictive and bad for you…but I would assume death is bad for you too…and for Stan to wake up next to a dead wife would be bad for him too…it would probably make him late for work…and there is all that paperwork…ok…ok…ok…I’ll use the freaking nose spray. Ok, now, I can go to sleep.
Geez! Is it possible to breathe too well? The air is so cold and dry! It makes my stupid damaged sinuses hurt! I’ve got the humidifier on and used vapo-rub and all that crap until I’m a gummy mess. What if I stick my head under the blankets and make kind of a breathing-tent? A little humidity buffer for my nose…that’s better. Now, I’m hot. I’m hot and sweating. Am I running a fever or is it my breathing-tent? Dammit! What if I stick my arm out to cool part of myself off. That’s a bit better…except the sheets got stuck against my face…like Chinese water torture…or is it Japanese…Crap! Am I a racist now? I can’t handle it. I’m just getting up.