9/22/15 Morning Musing: It’s Only Bravery If We are Scared

In about a month, I am giving a talk in my marriage class. It shouldn’t be a big deal…I’m outgoing and never (ever!) have trouble talking with folks (whether I know them or not and whether they know that they want to talk or not)…but having a conversation is different from holding a microphone and talking from the front of the room. I have incredible anxiety around these kinds of situations…any situation where I feel like I am having to “perform.” The subject area is right up my alley: Fun and Connectedness. (I mean, c’mon! This practically has my name written all over it.) So what’s the problem?

Well, I guess my problem is two-fold:

First, there is the performance thing. I am the girl who would vomit before tests in school…from seventh grade all the way into grad school. And even as an adult, I would get performance anxiety around testing for taekwondo. (I’m sort of ashamed (and sort of proud) to admit that I was known as the lady with the fun flask at testings and tournaments. I would arrive early and pour vanilla rum into Dr. Pepper and voila! It was a yummy Vanilla Dr. Pepper from Sonic…but more fun.) I mean, c’mon! I’m an adult! (at least chronologically if not otherwise.) And…I am paying a lot of money for these judges to judge me…but I was so afraid that they would also “judge” me. *shudders* As a deeply-died-in-the-wool-people-pleaser, that thought alone can make me freeze up and just shut down. (And yes, I know all of the reasons (Biblically and otherwise) why I should not care what anyone thinks of me…it’s my blood pressure, stomach, and brain that have the absolutely terrified and paralyzed disconnect.) **Warning: Digresses to a story: When I first started board breaking in taekwondo, I got all gummed up in my head at testing because I knew my board-holders (Mr. Scott Mischke and Mr. Nevels.) Nicest guys in the world…but I knew them. When mentally preparing myself for this testing, I had faceless board holders…but these guys…I knew! And I liked them! Ugh! Well, as it would go, I was all amped up and kicking it wrong for the first two tries. When I got to the last possible attempt, the thought occurred to me, “If you throw up on them, you will have to quit because it will be too embarrassing to ever return to class.” Well…that’s just great! I knew then that vomiting was eminent and I had to do the last kick (pass or fail) before the vomiting happened or I was just screwed. So, I managed to throw a terrible, ugly, embarrassingly bad side kick…and accidently broke the board…with my calf. What the-? Hold on, I used to be a science teacher…I have taught physics…that isn’t supposed to be possible! And in my confusion and disbelief, I passed my test. I stood there stunned and saw the stunned and amused faces of Scott and Kevin looking back at me as I thanked them and wandered away somewhere. (I’m still not sure what I did or where I went after that…I sure hope I wasn’t driving.) The only thing that made sense to me was that I was so pathetic that God had mercy on my and broke the board for me. Honestly, it’s the only thing that I can think of.**

The other problem for me, where this upcoming talk is concerned, has to do with my long-held belief about women being quiet in church (1 Tim 2.) And while I have this settled in my mind after extensive study (I am happy to have a conversation about this if you want,) there is still something that nags at me…some insidious voice that tells me that I am being a “bad girl” (and not in the fun way…just in the disobedient-to-God way) and that gives me heartburn. It gives me pause and it opens me up to doubt. This nagging thought is the reason that I have denied my Spiritual giftedness for so long…but I simply can’t deny it anymore: Pastor/Shepherd, Teacher, Prophecy (Counsel), and Exhortation (Encouragement)…these gifts define who God made me to be and the story that he has chosen for my life to tell. So, every time I consider doing this, I have to go through the entire exercise of re-studying in order to make sure that I am in humble obedience to God and not in some sort of rebellion. It can be exhausting.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I guess it’s for a couple of reasons: First, I’d love prayer support. Ever since making this decision, I have honestly felt attack. My time has managed to become over-loaded with stuff that I don’t like or have a passion for (soul-sucking tedious stuff like updating websites and dealing with rosters and stuff) and have been denied the deep conversations with actual people’s faces (in person) about real ideas. I have been unable to muse although it is one of the only things I want to do. So, I am asking for prayer as often as God brings it to mind to think about. (And thank you in advance.)

Another reason I’m writing about this is that I think that big things are happening in the Church (universal…not just the one I attend) where biases (gender as well as others) are concerned. As long as we are unable to put ourselves in someone else’s circumstances (gender, race, socioeconomics, orientation, up-bringing, etc.) it is crucial that we talk with people to gain their perspective. I would be willing to bet that very few male pastors in the Bible Belt have struggled against feeling like they are a willfully disobedient Christ-follower for speaking truth in church. Considering that many of us spend time with others who are like us, it stands to reason that we lack exposure to many perspectives that could allow us glimpses of God’s truth and character that we don’t currently see.

Finally, I’m writing this as an encouragement. I don’t think that there are many worthwhile things in life that don’t require some work to accomplish. For example, if public speaking were easy for me, I might be prone to thinking that I was doing it through my own strength…I might forget my need for God…and then I’d miss the entire point of why I do this.

Time to flip the tables: How are you doing with this? Is there something that you should be doing but aren’t because you “aren’t good at it?” (For me, it shows up as recurring thoughts that make me go “Where did that come from? I don’t wanna do that!”) Are you surrounding yourself in “holy huddles” and not exposing yourself to other perspectives? (We are each a PART of the body…not an entire body on our own…we are meant to be in community with people who are different from ourselves (different body parts.) Who can you ask to enter with you into a healthy exchange of ideas? How can you grow in your understanding of God and the story that he would like to use your life to tell?

My prayer today is that we would be obedient to our Lord regardless of whether or not we like what he has planned for us to do. I am praying that we would honor him with a gift-offering of being willing to lean into our discomfort instead of fleeing from it. And finally, I’m praying that we would respect him and those he loves by allowing them to share stories about their experiences with God with us.

Much love friends,

Beks

4/17/15 Morning Musing: And In This Corner…The Challenger!

“You challenge people.”  Hmmmm…hearing that immediately made me think that I’m seen as argumentative or ornery…but then he began to tell me why that statement should be taken as a positive and why my presence in different circles makes people look more deeply at their motivations and encourages them to press further…to “stretch” and get uncomfortable.  And then, he asked me to keep it up!

“Maybe the goal isn’t to be comfortable…but to get comfortable being uncomfortable…that is something you do well.”  What?  Me?  I don’t think so.  I HATE pain.  Physically, I’m rather intolerant to it (which is why living with chronic pain for so long has been terrible.)  Discomfort sounds so…uncomfortable.  But then she went on to explain to me how she sees me constantly finding ways to “stretch” and go farther…to upset the status quo…that I seem to know that there is always more refining to do and that the refining, while uncomfortable, is not optional but is always worth it.

“It’s a movie that I just know you would love because it looks like the main character is a strong woman who is a total badass and who is driven to right all of the injustices.”  Yep, that one is probably true.  Sounds right up my alley.  I love turning expectations upside down on their heads.  I love being the gal who will have her hair and makeup done but still pick up the power tools from the garage and get stuff done.  It’s fun to see people’s reactions when they find out I’m a black belt…my appearance must not relay on the outside what I feel on the inside because people are so often just shocked.  I love being unexpected.  Defying my “role” or not being able to be put “in my place” doesn’t sadden me…it motivates me.  If this tells you anything, on my wedding day, we had an “after party” at my in-laws’ house out in East Texas.  We shot guns and threw knives and hatchets and there are pictures of it in my wedding album.  (See feature image.)  How many brides fill up 1/4 of their wedding album with photos like that?  And my father in law loves to remind me of how I was smart about it…I made an excellent kill shot with a throwing knife and then calmly walked away in my afterparty mini-skirt while jaws just hit the ground.

“One thing I know about you is that you simply can not bear to allow injustice.  You aren’t able to rest until it is addressed and amended.”  Ohhhh…wow…I hadn’t thought about that.  “I think that is why you always are drawn to the underdog…you have to see that wrongs are made right.”

“You shouldn’t try to change that about yourself.  It’s beautiful.  You are a beautiful…maverick.”  Hmmmm…maverick.  I have never thought of myself like that…but then she went on.  “You know who else was a maverick?”  Hmm…what?  I was still thinking about the first thing she had said until she continued.  “Jesus.  Jesus turned things on their heads.  He challenged the religious elite.  He challenged the roles that people had just taken for granted were the ‘right way of doing things.'”  And that is when it clicked for me.  

All of these things have been said to me in the last couple of months…my science-geek nature sees a pattern which means I need to learn something from it.  I think that maybe people avoid challenge because it is uncomfortable and requires energy but, for some reason, deeply crave it.  Maybe it’s because there is something missing way down in their soul…some unmet goal.  Or maybe because they know that God wants more for them…wants them to embrace the mission that he created specifically for them…but they aren’t often willing enough to press through the discomfort. laziness, awkwardness, or simple self-indulgence to be obedient to HIM.  For me, I find that my conscience will absolutely haunt me if I allow myself to not step up to the challenges in front of me…I find that my mind immediately goes to how my sin of omission always moves outward and causes damage to others…living with that would require more energy, time and pain for me than just getting off my butt and doing whatever task God is asking of me.

So, I know this one is a bit heavy but…how are you doing with this?  Are there challenges in front of you that you are resisting stepping up to?  What outcome do you expect if you don’t step up?  And what outcome do you expect if you do? Are you living such an booked-up life that you don’t even have the space to sit still and identify what your challenges are?  Maybe that is what you need to approach first.  Ask yourself this:  what are my top 3 priorities in life?  (Now don’t read farther until you have answered that question.  Seriously, answer the question.)  Now, look at your average week or day and determine how much of your time, energy, resources, and thinking are being used toward those top 3 priorities.  If you are deflated by your answer, it’s time to make some serious changes to your schedule and resource allocation.  Now, think about the challenges facing you again…you know what the right answer is.  Instead of trying to wiggle out of the discomfort, try asking God for strength and wisdom and then get in there and join the fight.  You too could be a maverick…a beautiful maverick like our Lord.

My prayer today is that we would rely on God to be exactly who and what he wants us to be.  Whatever he is calling us to, he will give us the strength and abilities to accomplish.  My prayer is that, unlike myself, you would see your God-given passions and characteristics as opportunities to reach our world and make it better…to show people the goodness that God has to offer…and that he is powerful enough to use your weaknesses for his good work.  Much love friends,

Beks

1/20/15 Morning Musing: “And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” – J.K. Rowling

It was a morning that had started out like every other morning during that life stage: kids waking me up at precisely oh-dark-thirty (because that is what 1-year-olds and 3-year-olds do), me changing a bunch of diapers and thinking sarcastically to myself “Yep, that master’s degree in physiology sure is coming in handy now!”, me getting a load of laundry going and unloading the dishwasher, and me trying to figure out what I will be allowed to eat that day…this was the aftermath of the poisoning (an extremely difficult and bitter time for me not only physically but also emotionally and spiritually.) See, during this time, my immune system was (for lack of a better word) wonky…I couldn’t fight off what I should so I stayed sick all the time (kept getting pneumonia) and I was fighting off what I shouldn’t (I became allergic to everything…including about 90% of my diet: soy, sugar, every single oil that I tested for, apples, cherries, peanuts, all tree nuts, yeast, wheat, oat, milk, cheese, broccoli, green beans, and pretty much everything else you can think of) so my doctor had me doing a rotational diet (really complicated but basically, if I ate an ingredient of something that I was not allergic to, I had 1 hour to eat it in and then I could not return to that ingredient for four full days (or anything related to that ingredient for two days…see picture) in order to not over-expose myself to this “safe” ingredient and turn it into another item that I was allergic to. Meanwhile, to try to regain the items that I was forbidden from, I was giving myself 9 antigen injections in my stomach every 4 days as well as having to occasionally test allergy ingredients to see if I was gaining any headway.) Glamorous, I know…try not to be jealous.

As I continued on this diet, I lost a lot of weight (as you would expect when it is that difficult to find food that you can eat.) The problem with the weight loss is that the toxins in my body were fat-soluble toxins (they lived in my body fat) which had to go somewhere as I was quickly losing that body fat. Science geek-out alert: I don’t know if you know this or not, but your brain is actually made primarily of fat (about 60%!) As I was losing body fat, the toxins that I was not able to expel from my body were going to my brain and causing me lots of issues.

Anyway, back to this typical day that began like every other: Caleb was in his crib and Michaela was in her room. I was trying to get some baby oatmeal out of the pantry when it happened. I lost my balance when I reached in, and fell into the pantry striking the side of my head on the shelf as I fell. I didn’t lose consciousness…but I couldn’t get out. What I mean is that I was aware of where I was and what position I was in but I couldn’t control my limbs. I would try to put my hand against the wall that I was folded up against, but my arm would flail around instead of doing what I was telling it to do. My legs were almost useless in that cramped space and I was feeling a lot of pain (the recycle bin was shoved into my back on the right side and my head throbbed from hitting the shelf and wall.) That is when panic set in. I couldn’t get out! I couldn’t get out!!!! The flailing increased as I struggled to get up…to move…to control anything about my body. My vision blurred but that was just because hot, wet tears were streaming down my face. I felt hot and my heart was racing as I sucked in ragged breaths…this was heading toward a full-on panic attack…and then I heard him…Caleb was crying and expecting his mama to come get him from his nap…and I couldn’t get to him. I listened to him cry while I cried and flailed in the pantry. Some time later, Michaela started banging on her door and yelling for mommy as well…and I couldn’t get up. Those poor babies were probably so very confused and feeling abandoned. “Oh God! Where the hell are you?!?!”

That’s when he showed up…God…by bringing some calm to this chaos. Instead of continuing to struggle, I yelled at God in that pantry…I told him about everything that I had lost because of this poison and how angry I was about it. In that pantry, I grieved the life that I had lost and finally came to terms that life was going to look different from now on. It was time to accept it instead of just being bitter about it. I was a different person than I had been: with this brain damage, my skills had changed…my thinking had changed…I was still analytical but less so than before…I started becoming more artistic and less rigid…I had a hard time with my memory (it was really embarrassing because I would be talking to someone and just stop in the middle and stare at them…it was like my brain had re-set and I lost the last 10-15 seconds…so I thought they were talking instead of me.) So much had changed and I had lost most of my relationships because people just didn’t know how to comfortably be around me…it wasn’t their fault really…they couldn’t understand…but it was so isolating…and now, I was isolated in the pantry with just Jesus…but He showed up…and that is something…I guess it’s not isolation if Jesus is still with me. With that understanding came peace despite my circumstances and a little while later, I noticed that my hand was on my head where the big knot had formed. How had I gotten my hand there? I tested it and was able to move it…I was shaky…but the connections were there…I was able to move my body around and control it some. I crawled out of the pantry and used the kitchen countertop to help myself to a standing position. A short time later, I opened Michaela’s door and told her to follow me to Caleb’s room where I sat on the floor with both of them and just enjoyed the ability to put my arms around them. We sat there and nuzzled each other for a long while.

Why am I telling you this? Well, for one thing, I think that we all have a deep desire to be known. This is part of me and part of my story. It is when this control-freak, type-A, uptight gal hit rock-bottom and learned, without a doubt, that control is only an illusion. I have fought writing about this for some time now and it kept coming to mind because, for some reason, I needed you all to know about it…so here it is…here is my mess…take it all in…know me.

I also learned that we are dependent on God for everything…EVERYTHING…right down to each breath, the ability to move, and each hug. He was with me and calmed me and that is no small thing. (I was in that pantry for 2 hours and I kept it a secret for several weeks (even from Stan) because I was processing what I had been through. I didn’t want anyone else’s take on it until I knew what my take was.) God knew me well enough to know how to calm me, distract me, and encourage me and the reason he could do that is because he is actively present and invested in my life.

Finally, I learned contentment…true contentment. I still have days where I am in a lot of pain or periods of time where my brain isn’t functioning quite the way it should, but those days are the exception now…and that is something to be grateful for…now, the bad days just show me how far he has brought me! Do you know that I had quit praying for healing when God decided to end my suffering with food allergies? I had come to a point of acceptance that this was my lot in life and then he gave me more. It felt lavish!

So, your story, in all likelihood, is quite different from mine…but how are you doing with it? Are you suffering under (or perhaps relishing in) the illusion that you are in control? Why do we tell ourselves this lie? Do you realize how loved you are by a God who wants an intimate relationship with you? Do you have any concept of what he could accomplish through you if you would only let him? What is holding you back? What keeps you holding him at arm’s distance? Is it pride? Anger? Bitterness? Doubt? Fear? (For me, it was all of these!)

My prayer today is that we would all allow God to point out tender parts of ourselves that we are with-holding from him and that we would offer those precious and vulnerable parts to God as an act of worship. Much love friends,

Beks

12/2/14 Morning Musing: Here Come Those Voices in My Head Again

Last night, I was having a conversation with some people and there was a gal there who, in a moment of real vulnerability, shared with the group about how her mother was always on her back about her weight. You know how it goes…telling her how many calories are in each thing that the girl consumed and basically ensuring that the gal always had weight on her mind. One of the men in the room asked me if I had an opinion about this matter (probably because of my stellar poker-face: big round eyes and mouth hanging open in complete disbelief. Seriously, this face conceals nothing! Every thought I have may as well be written on a sandwich board for me to wear!) I couldn’t believe the words she was saying! This girl…is GORGEOUS! I mean, as far as physical appearances go, she is the freaking standard that other women compare themselves to and find that they are lacking! (which is an entirely other musing about comparisons…but I digress.) On top of that, she is intelligent and remarkably beautiful inside as well…it’s an honor for me to get to have glimpses into her character and thoughts. I was so bothered by this new information for so many reasons: her mother should be her strongest advocate, she is being taught that her value is rooted in her appearance, the mother is ensuring that the daughter inherits insecurities like her own, and then…well, we all know how traumatized women in America are over their body-images. So now, this young woman, is not only taking on life with all the normal challenges, but she is also being saddled with her mother’s baggage. Tragic.

Since I committed yesterday to sharing my advent heart-space preparations with you, you are probably wondering what the story above has to do with the price of eggs. Glad you asked! Yesterday, I talked about hitting the mute button on our schedules (instead of getting busier on our calendars to fit in more stuff, I suggested that we actually clear out our calendars some and do less so that we have the margin to be with people in the moment and experience real life.) I think my suggestion for today is to hit the mute button on ourselves a bit as well. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not trying to silence you…especially if you have been denied the right to a voice in your life…I would never want to add to your mistreatment that way. What I’m talking about are the self-focused thought patterns or self-talk (that frequently are quite negative and un-productive) which usually sound like this: I’m not ___________ enough. I’m too __________. If I could _________, I would be valuable. I need to be the most __________. Once I am __________, I will be satisfied/happy with myself. Now read over those sentences again slowly and see if any of those blanks automatically fill themselves in for you. Seriously…go back and read them.

If any of those blanks automatically filled in with a word for you, then you are plagued by negative self-talk. Whether your development of those thoughts were helped along by someone else or not is unimportant for this particular discussion (however, I would strongly suggest that you identify who that person/people are and create some healthy boundaries with them in a hurry because that is toxic and abusive and it is not ok for your spirit to receive it nor is it not ok for theirs to deliver it.) The problem with negative self-talk is multi-faceted:
First, we are image-bearers of our Creator (I know I talk about this a lot…but it’s important and I was literally in my 30s before this concept took root in my heart.) Every single human being was made in his image, was designed to reflect him in some beautiful way. THAT is where our value lives! In the fact that the God of the universe took his time to sculpt our bodies, design our minds, and breathe life and passion into us.
Secondly, when we develop negative thought patterns, it requires a lot of effort to break them (and the more ingrained they are, the harder it is.) Think of a dog that tends to run a pattern around its back yard (I grew up with a beagle that did this.) Year round, that dog runs the perimeter of the yard, and very quickly, a trail forms. The grass quits growing on the trail as the dirt gets packed down and forms a rut. It becomes a passive thing that the dog no longer has to think about. It just follows the trail without effort. It can take several seasons of not running the trail for the grass to begin to sprout up through the hard-packed earth. Similarly, breaking negative self-talk will require restraint from passively running through the patterns and several seasons of time (during which we may have to frequently re-set and re-commit to breaking the patterns…after all, the pattern is the default at this time…we will return to it when we are tired or worn-down.)

Thirdly, negative self-talk robs us of life and joy because it shrinks our world to encompass only ourselves. That is a terrible place to be! There is so much out there to see, experience, and learn…but when we are focused on ourselves, we miss it! Ministering to others is a huge source of joy for everyone involved (think about it: compare how it feels when you cook dinner for yourself
versus when someone who loves you prepares a meal for you with your tastes in mind. The two don’t even compare!) Thinking outside of ourselves, is where love lives…it’s where we are able share Jesus with others…it’s where life begins and hope forms.

So, how are you doing with this? Do you have some noisy, negative thought patterns that need dealing with? Can you identify what they are? How could you work toward breaking them? What effects have these patterns had on your self-image, relationships with others, and ability to think outside of yourself? If your patterns are well-ingrained, do you have a safe person who could walk through this with you? How has this affected your relationship with Jesus? Here is a particularly challenging question: if we are consumed with ourselves, even in a negative way, it is a form of worship because it dominates our thoughts, emotions, time, and resources…are you giving as much of those things to God who actually deserves your worship?

My prayer today is that we will hit the mute button on the lying voices in our heads that rob us of quiet, peace, love, and joy. I am praying that we will learn to quiet the noise so that we are free to experience life instead of running the same trail over and over again on autopilot. I am praying that the Holy Spirit would help us to hear life-giving truth over the constant chatter of lies so that our world can be the dynamic and vast creation it was meant to be. Much love friends,

Beks

P.S. To the girl whose story I used above: You are beautiful. That goes without saying. But you are so much more than that! So much more! 😘

9/16/14 Morning Musing: A Sense of Control…and Other Myths

I’ve been putting off writing about this for some time…I’ve known that I should…I just couldn’t. Most of you know about the poisoning that we went through a few years ago. Many of you know about the illness, medical procedures, and and wrestling with God that were part of my path to recovery. Some of you even know about the legal battle that ensued for years. Very few of you know about the day I had to sign it all away.

When the D.A. said that they couldn’t keep the jerk in jail because state of mind couldn’t be proven and there were no laws on the books to help us (nothing like this had ever happened before) I began to deflate. But then, he looked me in the eye and said “But…you have one hell of a civil case.” It. Was. On! That was just the thing I needed…a project…a mission…a hope. I had collected so much evidence and data: medical proof of my liver, pancreatic, and brain damage from the poisoning…out-of-pocket bills because insurance companies didn’t cover what they couldn’t understand…chemical reports from the city, TCEQ, and home-owner’s insurance companies on the presence of the toxins in our water supply…dental records from having to get all of my dental work re-done because the chemicals ate all of the fillings and crowns out of my teeth…pictures and documentation of our yard being dug up so that all the pipes, water meter, and toxic soil could be removed and disposed of in a manner that wouldn’t expose others to this…and so very much more. I immersed myself in pulling together this data for a lawsuit. And together, with our old neighbors, we filed a civil suit.

This went on for years…it was time-consuming, expensive, and exhausting. The day came when we all went to court…and we won…we won big…over $2.5 million big…and I was happy…well…happier…it still felt a bit hollow because I was still sick. But at least now, I could provide financially for medical treatment if the kids got ill again.

That’s when the letter arrived. He was declaring bankruptcy. Our lawyer wasn’t worried…a large portion of our “winnings” was punitive and a judge wouldn’t overlook that he said. But thanks to a very shady bankruptcy attorney, a few lies, and a judge that wanted her docket cleared, he was able to be declared bankrupt and I was ordered to release him from his debt. What’s worse? I also had to sign over my children’s rights to hold him liable in the future should they get ill again. I consulted with several different lawyers before complying…but the day came that I had to do it.

I walked into my bank to get the documentation notarized when I signed it. The notary was very friendly and chipper. I remember everything about her office as I sat there devastated and holding that pen in my hand: the certificates framed on her wall, the wooden executive desk, the padded but hard chair I sat in, and the carpet…it was that grey, commercial-type carpeting…and I was staring at it as I watched my tears fall down and make darker grey spots. My body felt numb and my brain was mushy. Signing away the lawsuit felt so unceremonious compared to everything we had encountered to be awarded our “winnings.” There was no judge in a robe, no lawyers pontificating, no highly-polished wooden railings, no swearing to tell the truth…there was only that ugly grey carpet and that immensely heavy pen in my hand. And it was over.

Dammit! How could everyone around me just walk around normally and happily while my entire world had just stopped?! It was one of my worst days for sure. But eventually, I began to notice that the sun still shined, my kids still laughed, and the world was still spinning because life continues with or without me. And, light began to dawn: I needed to lose this in order to gain something greater. For years, I had been consumed with this lawsuit, with justice, with what had happened to me and my family. Getting money was not going to make me well. It wasn’t going to prevent my kids from getting sick. It wasn’t going to take away the feeling of being a victim. And it could never produce joy. Sheesh! For a reasonably smart person, I can sure be dense!!! See, I had been depending on my own strength…and I was never meant to. I had edged God out of this situation…I was saving myself…or attempting to anyway. My strongest efforts were insufficient because control was an illusion that I was chasing. The truth of the matter is that my lack of faith in God to provide for my family, heal my body (which he has continued to do), and issue justice was evidenced in my “mission.” That is what I had hoped in…and it’s a piss-poor substitute for what my hope should have been in.

What about you? Where is your hope? Are there areas of your life that you are trying to hold out of God’s reach? Do you chase after control or do you see it for the mirage that it really is? Is there something you should be handing over to God but you think it’s just too painful to let anyone else handle it? My experience? God is good and he can handle your stuff.

My prayer this morning is that we would all pursue God’s strength more in our lives and quit white-knuckling our “stuff.” Much love friends,

Beks

9/12/14 Morning Musing: Can’t You Just Love Me for the Jerk I truly am?

I have had something weird going on with my ear for some time now. About 6 months ago, I went to my allergy/asthma/immunology doctor for a routine check up and mentioned to her that at night, my left ear itches like crazy. She looked in there and said nothing was wrong with it. So I left and continued to experience itching deep in my ear only at night. I have resorted to anti-itch creams and stuff but it’s still going on. Last week, I went back for my 6-month check up and told her it was itching still. She thought she saw something in there and had the nurse flush it. (Turns out it was a piece of glitter! How in the world did I get glitter in there??? Must be my sparkling personality! I know…bad joke…but the coffee hasn’t quite hit me yet this morning.) We had to stop because it started to hurt so intensely. Weird. Over this past week, it has gotten more and more painful and more and more bothersome so I went back again yesterday. The verdict? “You have the cleanest ears I have ever seen in anyone. There is nothing, not a speck, not redness, no pink, no water bubbles…nothing!” This statement actually causes me both pride and frustration. Pride because…well, yes…I am rather fastidious about hygiene…so I love knowing that I have the cleanest ears ever. Frustration because…if there is nothing wrong, then why am I in so much pain? And the thought occurs to me: Am I crazy? Have I become a hypochondriac? Oh no! Now I’m crazy AND in pain! I know what you’re thinking: “Bekah, I’ve always known you were a bit crazy…I could have saved you the cost of 3 office visits!” Well, the doctor went on to hypothesize about what could be wrong and causing my discomfort and came to the conclusion that it could be pressure from deep inside (a dysfunction in my eustachian tube.) She said that I should try taking Mucinex D and drinking lots of water to see if the discomfort goes away since we couldn’t “see” the source of my problem. I’ve taken two rounds of it since then and am already feeling better.

What is the point? What does this have to do with anything in life? So glad you asked. I was thinking about how looks can be so deceiving. I was thinking about when I was struggling with a very deep and painful sin just a few years ago. Nobody could see the pain that I was in. There were no obvious indications to the outside observer. My friends didn’t have a clue that I was slowly dying inside. As a matter of fact, I looked like I had it all together: I was volunteering in various charitable positions. I was helping friends and making meals for those who were sick or who had just had babies. I was studying my Bible every day. And I was writhing in pain and self-hatred and nobody knew it.

I have a very clear memory of the exact moment when I made the worst decision of my life. I was wrestling with God over the temptation that was before me…the Holy Spirit was reminding me of who I am and more importantly, who He is…and I physically held my hand up in the air and said out loud, “I don’t want to hear from you right now. I want to do what I want to do.” Worst decision of my life. I am not a person who would go back and change things in their past given the opportunity because so much can be learned from our mistakes…but that one moment…that one decision…I would change that in a heartbeat. In that moment, I violated my conscience…no…It’s more than that…I offended the God of the universe. Following that moment, I went on to commit the sin that I was hell-bent on committing and have regretted it every day since then. And nobody knew what was going on inside me. I was so broken and I hated myself.

Meanwhile, I was attending Bible Studies and trying to “make things right.” I kept hearing so many women confess sins they were struggling with…and it angered me because their sins (or at least the ones they were willing to speak of) were so minor. (I know…sin is sin…it all separates us from God…but I felt lost and broken and dirty.) I was sitting on a whopper that I was dying to share so that I could begin healing but I was surrounded by women who confessed things like “feeling lazy” or “gossiping” or “holding a grudge.” It didn’t feel safe to confess when someone’s only prayer request was “for traveling mercies.” Are. You. Kidding Me?!!!!! I’m dying over here! I’m silently going under for the last time and I can’t even find a true friend to talk through this with. I came up with only two possible conclusions: 1. Either these women and I operate so differently that I will never fit in with them because I actually sin or 2. These women aren’t being authentic and honest. Neither option was acceptable to me because it still left me feeling broken and incapable of receiving help. There would be no iron sharpening iron as things stood.

That is when I began looking for truly authentic community. I wanted friends who didn’t clean their house before I came over. Friends who didn’t worry about disturbing me and knew they could call or text any time at all. Friends who could show up at my front door without notice, understand that I probably am not wearing a bra, and come in and make themselves at home on my couch. Friends that would snoop through my fridge until they found something that they wanted. Friends who would share their brokenness with me. Friends that I could make a death pact with…not what you are thinking…more along the lines of instructions of what to do and what to get rid of should Stan and I both die so as not to mortify our families. (Haha! Got you thinking about what that could be didn’t I?!) I wanted friends who would call me out on my B.S. and tell me when I was being a bonehead. Friends that would study the Bible with me and challenge me…not because we were in the same Bible Study…because we wanted God’s best for each other. Friends that would love on my family and whose families I could love on as well. Don’t you see? I wanted friends whose behaviors and appearances were reflective of what was also inside them. I wanted this because I wanted to be this.

I know your wondering so I’ll go ahead and make the connection: I don’t want a mysterious illness in my soul any more than I want a mysterious illness in my ear. I want to shine light on the issue and attack it head-on. I want to know the truth so intimately that lies are obvious. The only way to do that is to cling close to my Jesus and be obedient in this moment. For me, that resulted in me confessing my sin to several women who I discovered loved Jesus and loved me. They pointed me to scripture and truth and loved on me. They were not timid about asking me how I was doing with that area of temptation. They still check in on me actually.

So how are you doing with this? Do you have authentic community? Are you being authentic with them? If you don’t have these kinds of people, how can you search them out? Is there someone in your life who is drowning alone and wishing desperately that you would be real with them so that they could be real with you? Are you hiding any sin that is silently choking the life out of you? It’s hard to break with a sin…but, I can honestly say that it is worth it (painful but so worth it) to rip it from your life and boot it to the curb. Are you holding your hand up to the Holy Spirit and saying “I don’t want to hear from you right now. I want to do what I want to do.”

My prayer this morning is that we would all take an accurate inventory of the state of our souls…that we would ask God to reveal to us ways that we can love him and others better…that we would be honest and real with others and encourage them to be honest and real with us. Much love friends,

Beks

9/11/14 Morning Musing – Lies We Tell Ourselves

This morning at breakfast, Stan and I decided that we would talk to Michaela and Caleb about some of the events of 9-11. As we were telling the story, Stan said “There were some really mean people who told themselves lies and decided to believe them.” The story went on, as you all know, but I was stuck on that sentence. I couldn’t shake it loose. Immediately, Hitler came to mind as well. (I studied WW-II history in Normandy, France my last semester of college and one of the things that I took away from that study abroad was how powerful lies are. All those years later, I was still walking around and seeing and touching the devastation that continues to ripple from the lies one man told himself.) Then I thought about everyday lies and the damage that they bring. I have lost friendships and time with people over lies that they either were told or told themselves…and decided to believe. I could add so many examples of horrendous lies to the list: Eve and the serpent, Abraham lied about Sarah being his wife, Jacob, Ananias and Sapphira…want more recent and tangible examples that were far reaching? Ok: The Clinton/Lewinsky Affair, Watergate, Bernie Madoff’s ponzi scheme, Cuban Missile Crisis…the list goes on.

Think of the figurative prisons that people (possibly even you) are living in because of the lies they believe: I am fat, I am not worthy, I don’t matter, They’d be better off without me, One time won’t matter, She’ll never find out, It only affects me, He will change, I can control it, I’m so far gone that a little farther doesn’t matter, God won’t want me, “Those” people are inferior, I’m really protecting him/her, I can stop anytime, No one will ever know, I’ll start tomorrow…All lies break us and create barriers. (Speaking of creating barriers, do you know what happened the day that construction of the Berlin Wall began? (August 13, 1961) The German communist leader Walter Ulbricht told this whopper: “Nobody has the intention of building a wall.”)

What I am getting at this morning, is that there are deadly and serious consequences to lies that we tell and lies that we choose to believe. Why? It’s just a lie…right? Well, when we think of who our Jesus is and how he described himself, I think we find our answer: Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. (‭John‬ ‭14‬:‭6‬ NIV) Do you hear what accompanies the truth? The way…the life…I want that! But when I tell lies, I am distancing myself from the source of life…I am embracing being lost and pursuing death.

So, how are you doing with this? Are you being truthful with the people you interact with? Do you excuse your lies by referring to them as kindness, little white lies, or fibs? Are you violating your conscience when you interact with people? Do you have people in your life who are lying to you? How can you lovingly approach them? Here is the kicker: Are you lying to yourself? Are you reiterating damaging untruths about others or yourself in your own head? Are you creating stories in your own mind and re-telling them so often that you begin to believe them? This is not harmless. This is not healthy. (This is how Hitler started…this is how 9-11 began.)

My prayer today is that we will all take our lies seriously…that we would bring them to light…that we would embrace truth and life and, out of that, lovingly share truth and life with others. And I am praying that we would be honest with ourselves so that we may grow closer in relationship with others and with God. Much love friends,

Beks

8/12/14 Morning Musing: We are Velcro

This morning, I woke up heart-broken as I remembered the tragic news about Robin Williams. This news hit so close to home for me on many levels. This post is not going to be a memorial to the genius we knew as Robin Williams…instead, I would like to just shine some light on a few things. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. (‭Ephesians‬ ‭5‬:‭13‬ NIV)

Depression is not what most people think it is and it doesn’t always look the same for different people…it does not mean that you walk around visibly sad all the time. During my most depressed moments, I have been the life of the party. I felt alone. I felt unloved. I believed that people only wanted me around to fulfill a function for them. But, I smiled and faked a confidence that could have won an academy award for the performance I put on. I thought that being fun and funny would make people love me more and I desperately wanted people to love me more. I wanted to matter. I even served more…it was not all self-focused sadness…I felt disconnected and mission-less. Depression, for me, was not a woe-is-me time as much as it was a desperation to matter and feel loved. I could not pray my way out of it and, if I had let anyone know, they couldn’t have reasoned me out of it. I was chemically imbalanced and could not control what was happening inside me. It was not weakness or a pity party. These were truths in my head…and while the rest of the world may not have perceived them to be true, they were true to me…and that is what carries the most weight to a person…what they believe to be true…not necessarily what is actually true.

Suicide is also not what many people think it is. During the poisoning aftermath, this was something I considered. I used to be ashamed to admit it but I did…I thought about it. I saw myself financially draining the family with no end in sight…I thought they’d be better off without me. Lots of people experience these kinds of thoughts…yes, even Christians. The thing that I can not stress enough is how important it is to share what you are feeling with someone safe. Once I verbalized it, I felt accountable to not follow through with it. I had someone checking in on me and helping me to get into a safer head-space. I had someone speak real truth to me…God’s honest truth…not perception…not feelings…not stuff that was hormonally subjective…but things that I held to be true that were in direct conflict with what I was experiencing. This helped me to slowly turn back to a safer path. I hear people talk about how selfish suicide is…I can agree to a point…but in many cases, people think that they are being selfless.

Lastly, I think that people are velcro. Now bear with me…have you ever looked at velcro up close? On one side you have the rough little hooks while on the other side you have the soft fuzzy stuff. One hook by itself is not strong enough to hold anything together…but when you combine the strength of many hooks together, it can hold your entire body weight up! So it is with people. We were not designed for the stresses and tragedy of this world…we were designed for Eden…a far cry from where we are now, I’d say. But, we are not left alone to deal with the stresses and tragedies on our own. People. People are a tremendous gift from God. Like one hook of velcro, I can not carry the burdens that I must carry…but when you put a bunch of hooks together…amazing things can happen and the weight of the burden can be dispersed until it doesn’t weigh nearly as much. Do you see how the impossible becomes possible when we band together and carry our burdens to the cross alongside each other and for each other? That is where hope gets renewed.

So how are you doing with all of this? Have you experienced depression? Do you love someone who is depressed? What is your approach? Are you trying to reason your way through something that is not reasonable? Are you sharing what you’re thinking and feeling with someone safe? How can you break the silence for yourself or someone else today?

Today I am praying for us all to hear truth loudly and clearly and lovingly. I am praying for hope and intercession on behalf of anyone who needs it. Much love friends,

Beks

P.S. PLEASE HEAR THIS: I love you. God loves you. You are valuable and you matter. Please, always consider giving it one more day. And talk to someone. Statistically, about 150-200 of my FB friends see themselves as not having a single close friend that they can talk to. If that is the case, please consider me your friend and let’s talk. There are better ways to handle whatever you are going through.

6/25/14 Morning Musing: When Faith and Death Collide…

I went to sleep last night with tears drying on my face as I wrestled with God again. A beautiful and amazing woman went home to be with Jesus last night…no, we weren’t very close…I didn’t know her that well…but I know people who deeply loved her and who were “her people.” I am desperately hurting for them and have no avenue by which to help them other than pray (I know…I know…prayer is huge but it sometimes feels like it’s not enough…bordering on blasphemy again I suppose…but it’s true.) I was struggling with God over this because we’ve all heard the trite statements before of “she’s in a better place” and “she’s feeling no pain now.” While those statements are true, and while I know the speaker means for them to be encouragement…well, they sometimes fall a little flat. So, I thought that along with the wrestling I’m doing, I would try dissect this topic a little bit this morning.

Death sucks. I don’t believe that God ever intended for us to know death. We are eternal beings but we are currently saddled with breakable, fragile bodies. We were never intended to know broken-ness, pain, death, separation from God, and separation from each other…but that is our reality right now. If you are like me, you feel torn in two different directions when faced with the death of a loved-one that you know is going to spend eternity with Jesus. You are happy for them because they are going to be with Jesus. They are going to feel no more pain. They are going to cry no more tears. They are going to spend every moment from here out with their Creator and Savior. But, you don’t have a way to interact with them anymore. You can’t call them, hug them, or hear their voice again. You can’t sit down with them and have conversations. So, now, an eternal being doesn’t feel eternal anymore. There is rupture in this. There is broken-ness in this. Our souls are robbed of a piece of eternity because we don’t get to be with them anymore on this side of heaven and reconciling this is difficult.

So, here is what I’m thinking: We are eternal beings but we currently exist in temporal vessels. The only way we have to interact with each other and the world is through these breakable bodies that we are in. So, when we lose a loved-one, our sadness is not a lack of faith in their eternity…it is mourning over not being able to interact with them in the same way anymore. We are at a loss because we don’t know how to still connect with them and that is painful and confusing.

I also think that we don’t allow ourselves to mourn properly. I’m not saying that there is a right way…just the opposite, in fact. Me? Well, I have chided myself in the past for not getting on with things, for feeling sad or depressed over loss, for “wallowing” in it. But, God gave us an entire range of emotions so that we would FEEL. Not so that we would numb it and get over it. I’m not saying that we should live in the negative emotions…but…well, we shouldn’t feel guilt over feeling them. It’s ok to experience them. It’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be angry. It’s also ok to remember the good times and laugh too. God created all of these emotions for us and he can handle whatever we are throwing at him…so go ahead, take it to him…take all of it to him and know that whatever you are feeling is ok.

I usually have some sort of challenge at the end of these musings but today, I just want to say this:
1. If you have people in your life that you love, let them know in whatever way you can. Love them well…it points them to Jesus and is one of the few eternal things in this life.
2. Give your body a break. It is what you use to interact with everyone and everything around you. It is a blessing regardless of whether it hurts, looks the way you think it should, or even betrays you at times. Without it, you would have nothing that resembles your life. So, let it rest. Feed it well. Take care of it. Even pamper it. And try to remember that you’re not the only one who suffers when your body begins to fail…the people who love you are facing losing you one day as well. And they aren’t concerned with your looks or whether you have a few extra pounds…they love you…your essence.

Praying for you to all love well today and give yourselves a much-needed break. Much love friends!

Beks

6/17/14 Abstract Vacation Morning Musing: “Anybody Can Stand Atop a Mountain but Few Will Climb One” – Pepper Blair

Vacationing in Colorado has left me in awe of the beautiful earth we enjoy. There are drastically different views here than there are back home in Dallas. Hills, mountains, trees, animals, and stars…oh the stars…just to name a few. As we took on the drive from Texas to Colorado, I began to see some small mountains in the distance. As we got closer, those mountains began to look massive…until I could eventually see past them…the ones behind them were so much bigger and impressive…and the ones behind those were even bigger and even more impressive. This got me thinking about life and the obstacles and joys that I encounter.

See, I think that in theory, I’m ok with the thought of troubles and challenges in life…as long as it is far off, it doesn’t look that intimidating or difficult. But eventually, as I continue my journey, I get closer to the first challenge (mountain)…and the closer I get, the more immense it gets…the more it becomes all that I can see. I get so close to it, that I can’t see around it, I can’t see over it, I can’t see through it and I feel overwhelmed by the sheer enormity of it. The only way to get past the obstacle is for me to have faith in the one who led me here…so I climb…and I climb…and my muscles hurt…and my lungs are screaming for me to stop…and I climb…and my thinking begins to swirl…but I have two thoughts that aren’t swirling: “He is good.” and “I can trust him.” So I continue to climb…eventually the pain subsides a bit and there is a thrill to doing something that I’ve never done before and there is joy in being obedient. And eventually, through the pain and the confusion, past the hurt and the discouragement, there is the summit…and it is amazing. As I look at where I have come from, I can’t believe I was ever down that low. I can’t believe that I am standing here and have come so far.

Then, I turn and look in front of me, and I shudder. God…No…please no. When I was at the bottom of the first mountain, I couldn’t see the one behind it…it is easily twice as big. The top looks rougher. I can see that there is a lot more rock and a lot fewer trees. It’s foreboding. I start to think “I don’t even want to see the view from there.” But, I feel him tugging at me…”C’mon Bekah…you know the point of building muscle is so that you can use it…not just so you can coast and let it atrophy…dwindle away.” So, I start slowly…reluctantly. I keep coming up with reasons to stay in the valley between the mountains but I can’t ignore the tug that he has on me…so I go. I climb. All I can see is the rocky ground in front of me. It’s ugly. It’s hard. I don’t want to be here. I climb. Every once in a while along the way, I see a deer or a flower, and it makes me smile…God is sprinkling in some beauty in the midst of the struggle…in the midst of the pain…some encouragement which shows me that he is here…even in the midst of this ugliness…this struggle…he is here and his presence brings beauty. And eventually, I make it to the top. I can’t say the experience was fun…but I can say that it was worthwhile…because along the way, I experienced God. I heard him calling me forward. I felt his hand at my back easing me along when my strength was gone. I heard the footsteps of the deer that he sent across my path so that I wouldn’t only stare at the ground in front of me…so that I would raise my eyes to where he was calling me and see the beauty that is available to those who would allow themselves to see it. I saw the flower blossoming despite being surrounded by hard rock and smelled its sweetness. How was that flower blooming here? It appears to be growing right up out of the stone! Again, I look at how far I’ve come…I can’t even see the starting point anymore…it’s so far away and there are literally mountains in the way. I turn and look in front of me…more mountains.

So, what is the point of all of this mountain climbing? Well, I think that there are lots of points:
1. What I want and what God wants doesn’t always line up…when it doesn’t, I’m the one who is off.
2. Living a human existence in a broken world sounds fine and good until I encounter a little resistance…a little pain…then all of my big talk and toughness withers.
3. When my strength is gone…that is when miracles happen…that is when his strength gets to be shown to me. (Why do I keep trying to do things in my own strength again? My strength sucks! Why can’t I seem to remember this one?)
4. Beauty, there is so much beauty around if I am only willing to take my eyes off the struggle and look around. For some reason, it feels like I can control the struggle more if I stare at it…the hard, rocky ground…but control is an illusion that I have created…I have no control…and as I try to control it, I miss out on the gorgeous evidence of God’s presence. So, I’m learning to look around…to really see the beauty in the simple things…but this requires practice and discipline…it doesn’t just happen on it’s own.
5. It is easy to put off happiness until I am at another mountain top…but I think that would have me missing out on a lot. There are times when I think am supposed to concede that God wants me to hang out on the side of the mountain for a bit…take a look around…see who might be around me needing some help getting adjusted to the mountain life.

So, how are you doing with this? Have you had miserable climbing experiences in the past? Are you climbing now? If you have never struggled through the climb, it’s coming…what can you do to prepare yourself now to keep your focus where it belongs? What mistakes have you made in past climbs that you would like to do differently going forward? Do you still see the beauty regardless of where you are in the process? Can you recognize the muscle that has been built in you in past climbs? How can you make sure to retain that muscle you have built? Do you ever consider what the point of the struggle and the pain is or do you just try to numb it and push it aside?

I’m praying that each of you recognize the true source of your strength in struggles and that you are able to catch some glimpses of the elusive beauty in the midst of your struggles and know that God did that for you. Much love friends.

Beks

This one was a bit stream of consciousness…I hope it makes sense.