1/12/18 Morning Musing: We Damage His Name…

After reading another story about another woman being sexually assaulted by a man and it not coming to public knowledge for decades and hearing her disparaged and minimized because she “waited too long” or because it was “decades ago”…I just can’t be quiet any longer. (This time, it was Andy Savage of Highpoint Church in Tennessee.) It’s late and my heart hurts so be patient with me as I try to make coherent points.

I can not understand how “waiting so long” is supposed to negate the victim’s reliability or the truth. People in power have gotten away with abuse of the ones without that power forever…and unfortunately, it is also true in churches. But unlike outside of the church, we Christians should be held to a different standard…not because we are better than anyone else…not by a long shot. We should be held to a higher standard because we have intimate understanding of Jesus’ example of giving a voice to the voiceless…of bringing justice to the marginalized…and giving dignity to the broken or hurting. This intimate knowledge of our God and his heart means that we can not continue to ignore injustice and abuse of power while representing our Lord accurately because each time we do, we aren’t just lying…we aren’t just hurting the individuals being denied justice…we are also damaging the name of our God.

We damage his name when we continue to turn a blind eye to abuse.

We damage his name when we refuse to see other people…other image-bearers…as valuable.

We damage his name when we give racism or sexism (or any other ism) a pass by remaining quiet when we know we should be speaking up.

We damage his name when we refuse to enter into honest and respectful dialogue about topics that matter. (This contributes to the trend of people seeing the church as obsolete.)

We damage his name when we defend abusers and judge victims based on whether or not we align with them politically, denominationally, etc. (Yes, I just went there.)

We damage his name when we push for male leaders in church to receive funds for their ministry, appropriate pay and title, and continuing education while denying it for their female counter-parts.

We damage his name when we beat people up with our religion instead of listening to them and loving them.

We damage his name when we applaud what is wicked and criticize what is good.

We damage his name when we deny others the freedom that we simultaneously demand for ourselves.

We damage his name when we judge others instead of remembering how we have been forgiven.

We damage his name when we mistreat each other in the name of “witnessing.”

We damage his name when we abandon the needy, weak, marginalized, aged, or hurting.

We damage his name when we refuse to own our sins and, instead, justify our ugly behaviors or minimize them by using more palatable wording so that we can feel better about ourselves.

I could go on and on forever with this. At some point, we must quit tolerating the abuse of power. If we are the ones with power, God’s blessings are not limited…there is no need to try to hoard it. If we are the abusers, yes there is forgiveness…the gospel is not too small for any sin…but that doesn’t mean that accountability is void. If we are the survivors…and hear me on this…please hear me…our pain is not to be wasted! It can become a beautiful place that will allow us to minister to others and understand the hurts of others if we allow it. If we are the ones without power, our God is the God Who Sees us (El Roi) so he clearly sees the power-mongers and they will be held accountable.

How are you doing with this? Did any of these points make you wince a little or bring a specific incident to mind? Is there some way that you can pursue a more truthful and authentic way of living this out? Is there someone that you feel you should apologize to? Is there forgiveness that you can extend to someone regardless of whether or not they have asked for it?

My prayer for us tonight is that we would simply love each other better. I am praying that instead of constantly grappling for power or position or status or whatever, that we would see the truth of what is important and life-giving and pursue it with abandon. I am praying that we would try to squeeze every bit of living out of this life while we have it instead of pursuing the things that lead to our physical, emotional, and spiritual death. I am praying that we would also learn how to receive love when offered by others.

Much love friends,

Beks

9/9/14 Morning Morning: “Stop! Don’t Touch Me There! This is My No-No Square!”

I picked up the kids from school yesterday and made them run errands with me immediately after school so that I could have an un-distracted conversation with them. With Michaela behaving oddly lately, I had to make sure (just one more time for once and for all) that her behavior change was not due to any hidden abuse or mistreatment that Stan and I were unaware of. This is an area of deep fear and baggage for me and I want to handle it correctly so that my kids are aware and careful but not forced to walk through life filled with fear. I’ve hinted at it with them but had lacked the boldness to come out and ask…specifically Michaela…because I didn’t want to plant any ideas in their heads…and because I was fearful…what in the world would we do if the answer was yes?

After talking about school, friends, feelings, things that make us happy, and things that make us sad…I dove in: “Speaking of things that make us sad, have either of you ever had anyone touch you (other than a doctor, Mommy, or Daddy) in your “no-no square?” Michaela, without much hesitation, “No, Mommy…that’s not allowed.” Meanwhile, though, Caleb had a concerned look on his face…and my heart plummeted into my stomach. “Caleb, honey, do you have something you want to tell me?” *pause* “Well…yes…this summer…but I don’t remember who.” Hmmm…not remembering who would either mean this is a mistake or so traumatic that it’s being blocked out. “Do you remember if it was a grown up or a kid.” *Shakes his head no.* “Do you remember where you were? If it was this summer, maybe it was at a camp?” *pause* “That’s it! It was at soccer camp! It was a kid! He hit my privates with a soccer ball!” *exhale* I didn’t realize I had been holding my breath…praying “Lord, please don’t let this be true. Please don’t let my children learn at a young age what it is to be a victim!” I was so relieved that it was just a soccer accident…I was soaring. So we talked about the difference between and accident and abuse. We talked about how the no-no square is off limits to everyone who does not own it or have permission to touch it…how even the doctor has to get permission from them AND Mommy before touching them anywhere because our bodies are so very special: Our bodies are how we interact with the world around us. When our bodies have been mistreated, we will view the world differently because our bodies have become different and our experience is different. (And how we need to protect our bodies so that Mommy doesn’t end up going to prison for murder…although I didn’t say that part out loud to the kids.)

The statistics are staggering: Every 2 minutes, an American is sexually assaulted. (RAINN – Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 7 boys will be sexually assaulted in their childhood. Let that sink in for a minute.

My heart is heavy and easily-broken on this topic. It’s scary and the answers to these questions can be utterly devastating…but keeping secrets can be even more cruel and devastating. Statistically, many many of you have been recipients of sexual mistreatment. I am so deeply sorry and broken for you. But also statistically, many of your children have some sort of sexual mistreatment in their histories or futures. Please…please talk to your children about this regardless of how difficult or painful this discussion is for you. This is NOT an area that you want to look back on with regret. If they have received abuse, they need you to shine light on the darkness in their lives…where darkness and secrets are, shame lives and thrives…and that is, quite frankly, a continuation of the abuse.

So, how are you doing with this? (Sorry…I know this was another heavy one…but I feel that somebody needs this today.) Is there something in your past that needs to be brought to the light? Do you have a safe person you can speak to and whose advice and love you can count on? Has mistreatment of your body (physical, sexual, verbal, chemical, etc) changed how you relate to the world and to God? Have you had an open dialog with your children about this topic? Do they know that they can tell you anything related to this topic…regardless of whether or not it’s not an abuse situation? Most victims feel some bit of responsibility whether or not it’s true…that frequently keeps people from speaking up. Your children need to know that you love them and are on their side even if whatever is going on is the result of poor decision-making. (If abuse has occurred, please pursue professional help of some kind…this is too big of a burden for one person to carry.)

Today, my dear friends, I am praying that God would impress on us all how important we are to him. I am also praying that we would all understand that bodies and sex were both created by our loving God for good things…that our bodies and souls are not a mystery to our God who created them…and how to repair brokenness in our bodies and souls is no mystery to our God either. I am praying for light, healing, and life for us all. Much love friends,

Beks

https://www.rainn.org/statistics