2/18/16 Morning Musing: Reconciliation and Forgiveness are Not the Same Animal

Over the last few years, I have been doing a lot of work in the area of forgiveness. I’ve worked on forgiving and reconciling with those who have hurt me. I have worked at length on forgiving myself for things that deeply injured others…things that those people have forgiven me for and that Jesus has long since taken on my behalf. And I have worked tirelessly on forgiving those who deeply wounded me…injured me in such a way that it affects nearly every area of my life…and from whom an apology (or even an acknowledgement) never came.

So, this weekend, when I listened to a sermon on reconciliation, I was struck by how the pastor was lumping forgiveness and reconciliation together as the same thing. Maybe I am getting lost in semantics but I don’t see them as the same at all. I see forgiveness as the place where I can affect change. I think forgiveness has everything to do with my posture before God and nothing really to do with any action at all by the other person. Forgiveness is the part where I wipe the account clean (at least from my side)…where my heart comes to a place and says “You owe me nothing.” Forgiveness is where healing begins but where pain is not magically erased. See, I think that pain will still crop up as the wounds heal…and that hurt…that little bit of agony…can be offered up to God as worship through obedience each time I feel it…because it doesn’t go away in one big hurrah…it creeps back in…all stealthy-like…and catches me off-guard when I see it because I think “I’ve already done this! I’ve already forgiven him!” But, it is time to forgive him again…and I embark on the weighty task once again.
On the other hand, reconciliation is the mending of the relationship…and while I think this is a beautiful thing…I don’t think it always happens and I don’t think that we always have any control over it…nor do I think it is always healthy and good. See, I don’t think that reconciliation is meaningful unless forgiveness has happened first…forgiveness is what happens in the heart-space…it is what is bone-deep and, I think, connects us to Jesus more deeply…because it teaches us (in a tiny way) about the work that he had to do to forgive us. I think that forgiveness is a part of us being image-bearers…and consequently it is deeply spiritual. Reconciliation is also spiritual and a blessing…but I think it is a result…a natural consequence…of the work done through forgiveness…a beautiful side-effect.

This may not make sense to everyone…we haven’t all struggled in the same ways…but I am hoping that it brings a little bit of clarity…and a touch of peace…to someone who has struggled in the ways that I have. If you find that you forgive someone and then it keeps cropping back up, don’t beat yourself up…pain doesn’t just disappear because you have forgiven someone…but you can acknowledge that pain…from the deep and tender place in you…and give it to the healer as an offering. Reconciliation, if it is meant to be, will come…opportunities will be presented…but first…the heart space.

So, how are you doing this? Are you doing the hard work of forgiving someone? Yourself? Do you find yourself having to go back and repeat the work that you have already done? Instead of getting frustrated and berating yourself, can you acknowledge the pain that exists there? Can you trust God enough to offer that pain to him? To allow that offering to be a way that you worship him? If you are being forgiven by someone, can you allow them the time necessary to work through it? If it doesn’t happen magically for you, you can bet it won’t happen magically for them either. Can you allow them to be hurt without your interference? Whether it is you or someone else doing the hard work of forgiveness, allow time and space to work through it…don’t press for an immediate result and don’t be surprised if much of the work must be repeated in order to heal.

My prayer today is that we would reconcile where appropriate…but that first, we would do the hard work that is forgiveness. I am praying that we honor the one who has forgiven us of so much by embarking on the same task. I am praying that we wouldn’t press for an outward result until we are healed inside so that reconciliation has a chance of being authentic and lasting.

Much love friends,
Beks

4/29/15 Morning Musing: Mommy Needs a Time Out So I Will Be In The Pantry…With Some Chocolate…and A Mommy Juice Box!

I wasn’t close enough to hear any part of the struggle but I was seeing it.  She was trying to get her son to go into the school and he was flailing and crying and wiggling.  Her hands were already full of items that she needed for her workday inside the school building.  She just…needed…to…get…inside.  And right as she was about to reach her goal, he struggled free and ran off to the grass and wailed.  A crying child…what breaks your heart more than a crying child?  For me, it’s the mom.  I hurt for her as my oblivious kids ran right past her and her son in their zeal to get inside the school building.  I watched her body slump as the air rushed out of her lungs and she fought to hold her own tears back.  She was fighting hard to keep it together…to maintain her dignity while her son fought against her.  As a mom, I know that having a child means spending the rest of your life with your heart walking around on the outside of your body…your heart is no longer something that can be protected by walls you’ve built up around it…you can no longer count on your defenses or protective thinking to keep your heart safe…you become vulnerable to so much more.  So, when your own heart rebels against you and screams at you, it is hard to know what to do.  As I watched her shoulders slump down and her head look to heaven for an answer, I started planning to park and run to help her in my normal scary-school-drop-off-state:  wet hair, no makeup, slippers, jacket = bra…that alone should make her feel better about herself, right?  And right as I made the decision, I saw one of her co-workers, another mama who has already experienced this stage before her, calmly walk over to the wailing son and then…he magically stopped crying and ran inside ahead of the two women.  And I felt it…I felt her mixed emotions of relief that this moment of hell was over and also disbelief that he could turn it off like that…that her own heart would put her through that for what appeared to be nothing…that feels a bit like betrayal.
As I drove home, I kept replaying that scene in my head.  I have been there.  Oh!  How I have been there!  Caleb, my even-tempered sweet little bear cub used to test me this way too.  I remember having to abandon  grocery carts full of groceries on many occasions in hopes that we wouldn’t starve before we were able to have a successful shopping trip.  I remember the looks of scorn and even mean or thoughtless comments from strangers that had me feeling twisted up in knots and completely inadequate.  I remember the physical and emotional pain that I would experience as I would use my body on top of his to hold him down in his room while he thrashed through another tantrum…I would hold this position above him…being careful not to squish him…while he would scream and writhe until he would, at long last, go limp and hoarse (but too exhausted to harm himself)…and he would eventually sleep heavily and I would go in the next room and sob alone.  I remember thinking that I had unknowingly traded my independence, privacy, goals, dreams, paycheck, and brain for this little bugger who was treating me like the enemy.  To make matters worse, when he would fall asleep and look like an angel, instead of having some blissful rest myself, I would berate myself for my thoughts during his hellish wakeful hours.  Hormones!  That has to be it.  That is the only explanation for why I prayed for this…blessing?  Confession time:  I literally kept a gym membership for a couple of years just to have a place to drop my two littles off for a couple of hours a day and take a shower alone!  (Well, as alone as you can get showering in the same room with 10 other women…but none of them would stick their head in my shower stall and plead for “Mommy hoed due!” so I counted it as a win.)  No lie, when I had pneumonia, I went to the gym Every.  Single.  Day.  It took less energy than dealing with the tantrums!  (Stop judging me…you just wish you’d thought of it first!)

What is the point?  Well, several I guess.  One is something that you’ve heard a hundred times a hundred ways and that is “Girls judge each other.  Women empower each other.”  The seasoned mom that I saw help the struggling mom was doing just that.  She helped her to get her stuff together so that she could present her professional face to the world and feel like a whole, complete human.  Also, I would like to point out to the moms of littles, that I don’t experience this anymore…there is light at the end of the tunnel and they don’t stay in the tantrum stage forever…in fact, my tantrum-throwing bear cub has become one of the most even-tempered little people I know.  Finally (and this was the point for me today) I was able to use that empathy that I was feeling for this woman that I barely know, and transfer it to women that I do know but don’t care for.  You know the women I’m talking about…the ones that just grate on your nerves or whose decisions you simply can not identify with.  What if I tried to think of that woman that annoys me in that difficult life stage?  What if I thought of her as having to struggle through those difficult “Mommy times” that are not glamorous?  The tantrums, stomach bugs, sleepless nights, tension with husband, and body image issues following having a baby.  For some reason, getting a glimpse at someone’s struggle (even if I made it all up in my head) makes extending some grace a bit easier, doesn’t it? 
So, how are you doing with this?  Are you the mommy in the struggle right now?  Are you the mommy who helped her out?  Is there someone you could lend a hand to?  (It didn’t change the seasoned mommy’s day but it sure made a difference in the struggling mommy’s day.)  Be honest, is there someone you should be extending grace to?  Can you imagine that person going through the struggles of life and feel a little bit of empathy for her?  

My prayer today is that we would take a few moments to acknowledge those struggling around us and offer them a hand and some encouragement.  I am praying that we would enter in to people’s struggle with them instead of judging them, detached, from the outside.  I am praying that we would find a way to contribute, even in tiny ways, to help each other press on and that we would, through our lives (not through grand gestures), show Jesus and his grace to people in our spheres of influence.  Much love friends,

Beks

12/9/14 Morning Musing: Making an A$$ Out of You and Me

A few years ago, some of my family from Georgia came to Texas to visit for Christmas. My cousin was staying at our house and consequently got dragged along for all of the Team Massey traditions. One evening, we were driving around looking at Christmas lights, eating snacks, and listening to Christmas music when we decided to drive through a specific neighborhood. While we were driving, we saw a group of carolers heading our way so we stopped and when they got close, we rolled down the window so that they could sing to us. They looked at us confused and a bit alarmed and kept walking. Yep, you guessed it. They weren’t actually carolers…they were just a family walking to one of their neighbor’s house. I had made an assumption that was way off-base. Now, any time I make an assumption without all the facts, Stan looks at me excitedly, claps his hands, and says “Sing me a song!!!!”

Why am I talking about this? Well, you know the old phrase about “when we assume”? I have noticed that this time of year, when we are supposed to be the most grateful and charitable…when we are supposed to be focusing on the selfless gift that the God of the universe gave to us…when we are supposed to be thinking of ways to share that gift with others, we tend to be less charitable in our assumptions (specifically about family.) How many of us dread some of our interactions with our families? How many of us are stressed out about how to handle relationships with those we love?

So, I had a thought: What if we decided to just assume the best possible intentions behind the words and actions of others? What if we were charitable in our thoughts instead of just with our finances? What would it really harm? By my way of thinking…nothing at all. For example, let’s say your family is late to a gathering at your mother-in-law’s house and when you get there she makes a snide comment about your tardiness. Instead of assuming the worst (which could very-well be the truth)…what if you decided to assume that she was worried about your well-being or…here’s a good one….what if you decided that she was so excited to see you that she was waiting expectantly for you to come over (much like your kids expectantly wait for Santa Clause)? Would it really harm you to decide to believe the best about her?

We all have relationships that are unstable and stressful…we all have people assuming the worst about us…it doesn’t mean we have to maintain that cycle of ugliness. We can choose to see others as children of God who deserve love…big, overwhelming, lavish love…charitable love…tender love…forgiving love…love that brought a Savior to be born in a manger. So how are you doing with this? Think through your relationships…who needs the most charitable of your assumptions? Who are you tense about seeing? Who could you selflessly love? They say that imitation is the highest form of flattery…who better to imitate and flatter (rather…praise) than the one who deeply loves our souls and chooses to cover our ugliness with his own beauty to present us as loving and spotless to his Father? What better way to worship our God than to extend that grace that he lavishes on us to others?

My prayer this morning is that we would not be stingy with our thoughts toward others…that we would honor Jesus by loving those he loves and extend charity through our thoughts and actions…that we would show that we are changed by his sacrifice and that the natural consequence of that change would be to be so grateful that we have no choice but to respond in kind. Much love friends,

Beks

7/24/14 Morning Musing: I’d Like to Order Some Truth with a Side of Grace, Extra Love, and Hold the Judgement Please.

We all know that guy…you know the one: The one that shoots from the hip with his hateful comments about how other people aren’t measuring up. The one that you can not help but feel judged around if you ever reveal what is really going on in your life. The one that makes you cringe to be around him but you keep seeing him at church so you HAVE to be nice to him and pretend he doesn’t make your stomach turn. The one whose wife you pity so deeply and wonder how she ended up with him because she is just so dang nice. The one that exhausts you to be around because doing so siphons every single ounce of energy from you. Or maybe…that guy is that girl. Maybe it’s a relative of yours. Maybe it’s you. I know it has been me before…for a long time in fact, it WAS me…sometimes, it still is.

There is a line somewhere…it’s hard to find sometimes…but it’s there. We are meant to embrace truth whole-heartedly…which I believe “that guy” wants to do…but we are also meant to extend love and grace whole-heartedly. Sometimes, it seems like an impossible task…I guess if we are trying to do it on sheer will-power, it is impossible. But that is the problem…WE weren’t meant to be what produces growth-filled change in people…Jesus is. So, how do we keep ending up in the way?

I think part of the problem is that we distance ourselves from our sins. See, this is another balancing act: I don’t want to live with guilt and shame when I have been forgiven of my sins…but I also don’t want to distance myself so far from them that I forget the amazingly restorative grace that has been extended to me. That grace, for me, makes life worth living and makes people worth loving because when I have been unlovable, I was still loved by Jesus and by people who extended unfathomable grace to me. I have received unexplainable forgiveness for unpardonable errors. To balance truth with grace and love, it is important for me to remember the gifts that I have received.

I think another part of the problem is that we only identify with the struggles that we personally are tempted with…because we WANT our sins to be pardon-able. We are less invested in making sure that others, who experience different temptations than we do, get to experience grace. Why is that? Why do we want to deprive someone else of the very life-giving thing that has saved us from isolation and self-loathing? When we nurse pet sins (those sins/temptations that we like to refer to in other people) that we look down on…it does not make us stand out above the other person in a good way, it separates us from God because Jesus is close to people when they are hurting and broken…he pursues the broken and redeems them. That is the beauty of grace, isn’t it? It’s undeserved. It’s personal. It touches our deepest wounds and most secret battles.

But then, there is the pendulum swing in the other direction: When there is only emphasis on grace, we can miss truth…and Jesus IS truth so it is important that we don’t mis-represent what it is that truth actually is. So, how do we maneuver this? This type-A-math-and-science-loving-gal would love to tell you that there is a formula…in my experience, there is not. For me, I have had to practice the discipline of shutting my mouth and quieting my own thoughts so that I can hear the voice of the Holy Spirit. This was not easy for me…anyone who knows me knows that I rarely shut up…so I had to start with just sitting and being quiet and still with no distractions (as a mom, this has been particularly challenging for me…I can’t even use the bathroom or take a shower without distractions and an audience.) But I started carving out just 5 minutes each day to sit in my back yard, usually with a cup of coffee, and asking God to help me quiet my thoughts and share his with me. It was really hard at first and there were times that I was unable to make myself shut up. With time and practice though, I got better at it and my mind would quiet faster because I had been training it to respond to certain cues: coffee, sitting outside on my back patio, quiet, and morning (this is how morning musings were birthed by the way.) I started asking God to use me…to let me be a tool in his hands…to teach me how to love people well.

Do you struggle with this too or is it just me? Are there people you have a hard time extending grace to? Do you end up “just telling it like it is” to them? (By the way, I have found no passages in the Bible that express the virtue of just telling it like it is…I’ve seen many about truth, forgiveness, love, and grace though.) Have you distanced yourself from God because “his people” are so difficult to love and, more than anything, you don’t want to be “that guy?” Consider this: maybe don’t judge God based on my life. Maybe don’t compare me to another or Christian or to a person who is not a Christian. Maybe take into consideration the difference between where my life would be without Jesus versus where my life is with him…because THAT is a huge difference.

Praying that we are all able to speak truth today but that it is tempered with love and grace so that it draws people to the God we deem worthy of worship. Much love friends,

Beks

5/30/14 Morning Musing: Big Enough

I’ve encountered a lot of people who have been burned by Christians and the Church and now avoid churches and religion at all cost and I’ve been thinking lately about the things that Christians tend to be known for: anti-abortion, anti-gay, being judgmental, and hypocrisy. It makes me so sad to think that this is what the name of Jesus has come to mean to the world…and the world has a legitimate reason to believe that this is true of Christians and, by extension Christ, because this is the message that they hear screamed out and acted upon by the Church. I wonder if this incorrect message is being portrayed because the motivations of Christians have gotten wonky.

First off, I think that we should be known for what we stand for…not against. I know many of you have heard this thought before…but I want to break it down a little bit for those who haven’t. Regardless of your stance on subjects like abortion and homosexuality, Jesus is not pro-hate. Jesus loves everyone and it is his wish that every single person on Earth, regardless of where they are in their spiritual growth or state of sin, would enter into relationship with him. Every single person. Soak that in for a second. That means that he loves and pursues the liars, cheaters, adulterers, murderers, rapists, child-molesters, gossips…he pursues caucasians, hispanics, asians, africans, and every other people group or mixture of groups, he pursues women, men, children, cross-genders, and every sexual orientation…he pursues EVERYONE and he does it because his love is BIG ENOUGH for everyone. That is why he is a God worth worshipping…He is BIG ENOUGH to handle our stuff. So, as a follower of Jesus, my love should also be big enough for everyone and that should be my motivation when I interact with anyone.

Secondly, we’ve all heard “Love the sinner…hate the sin.” Well, yeah, there is truth to that…but we don’t tend to study what that might look like. First off, every person on Earth is a sinner. So, again…all inclusive here. But what does hating sin look like? Well, for one thing, it is understanding what sin actually is…it’s not a list of “wrongs.” Sin means, basically, missing the mark. Think of a target and the goal is to land your arrow in the bullseye…sin is when the arrow lands anywhere other than the bullseye. God has a perfect plan for our lives…a plan that leads to life and growth and beauty. When we veer off of that plan…either by doing something harmful or neglecting to do something beautiful…we have missed the mark. Human nature is to categorize those sins or weigh them…and if we are honest, we try to minimize the weight of our own sins and maximize the weight of the sins of others so that our stance looks better…but truth is, missing the mark is missing the mark…whether you are an inch outside of the bullseye or aiming in the wrong direction all together. So, what does hating sin look like? I think that it looks like loving the sinner (read every person you interact with including yourself) so much that it breaks your heart to see them receive anything other than God’s very best for their lives. Hmmmm…the motivation is a bit different than hating something isn’t it? I do this with my kids all the time…I tell them “I simply love you too much to let you do things that will harm you or others in the long-run. I love you too much to let you continue down a path that is dangerous for you…so I must speak and demonstrate truth and love into your life.” Hating sin does not mean standing in righteous indignation while looking down your nose at someone else…because your sin is just as big and God’s love has to be just as big to cover your sins as it does to cover anyone else’s sin.
(So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more. (John 8:7, 10, 11 KJV))
Understand, Jesus didn’t tell the woman to continue in her sin…of course he didn’t…it wasn’t a healthy path of life full of beauty…it was a damaging and painful path…he simply loved her well and encouraged her to pursue God’s best for her life instead of continuing to pursue brokenness. Also note, Jesus did not enter into debate about whether the woman was participating in sin…deep down, she knew…she didn’t need those un-loving people to tell her it was sin…she knew…and we know…we know when we feel distant from our Lord and we know that we are the ones who choose the distance. So, what does hating sin looks like?…it looks an awful lot like loving the sinner.

For those of you who have been injured by the Church or by individual Christians or be me specifically, I would like to officially apologize. I am sorry for the pain and brokenness. I am sorry for our lack of love and compassion. I am sorry for not identifying with your plight. Like you, I am still growing and still get it wrong. But I would love to walk this path of growth with you…I would love to continue to pursue Jesus with you…I would love to learn from you and with you. I would love to hold hands on this journey and, in doing so, help each other stay on our feet and keep our feet closer to the path of beauty and life and joy. So, how are you doing with this? Is there a group of people that you are unable to love well? What can you do to learn to love them better? What can you do to pursue God’s best for them? Do you find yourself entering into debates about whether or not something is sinful? How could you better approach things?

I’m praying God’s absolute best for all of you. Much love friends.

2/25/14 Morning Musing: Booby Trap

As I was driving the kids to school this morning, M said something about how I should watch out because she set up booby traps in the car. C started laughing hysterically so I asked him what he thought a booby trap was. Without hesitating, he said “It’s a trap set by a girl because only girls have boobies.” As is typical for Team Massey, we giggled the rest of the way to school at our awesome inappropriateness.

Well, once again, my kids brought insight to my thoughts: wouldn’t it be lovely if we all approached things that directly and simplistically?  His approach was fun, innocent, and refreshing.  Conversely, how often do we over-analyze things or people? How often do we play and re-play conversations in our heads? How often do we try to determine someone’s motives behind what they are saying? And how often is it beneficial to do all of this over-analyzing? For me, not very often.

When we do this, we are being ego-centric. We think that we are the star of the movie playing in everyone else’s head…when in reality…we probably only play a bit role, if that. I think most of the time when we get our feelings hurt by people, it’s not intentional on their part…it’s more out of neglect. People aren’t actively thinking of how to screw us over. People aren’t actively thinking about us at all. They are thinking about themselves, their to-do list, their stresses, their jobs…just like we are. So, with that in mind, maybe we should give them a little grace. It would sure be easy to walk around with a chip on my shoulder at all the ways that others have been “unfair” to me…or instead, I could enter in with them, extend grace, and ask them about their lives. Investment in relationships instead of in drama seems like a no-brainer to me.

The Illusion of Having it all Together

12/13/13

Was thinking this morning about how easy it is to feel inferior to others who seem like they have it all together. I am the mom in the elementary drop off line who takes my kids to school in a minivan with crazy troll-doll hair, sweat pants, slippers, medicine on my face from last night, and a list of stuff to do today on my mind. My kids jump out of the car with pants that are too short, their backpacks hanging open as they run joyfully to class. Of course, I pull up behind the mom who is driving a Porsche, who is stunningly beautiful, dressed immaculately, and whose kids look like they just stepped off the cover of a clothing magazine. I can only assume that this woman has never had a pimple, leads a glamorous life, and has endless amounts of money. Then I catch myself. I don’t know this woman or her struggles. I don’t know what it takes to get her family here on time. I do know my family and our struggles and know that I chose to let my kids sleep a little longer, I woke them sweetly with soft words and tender phrases. I told them repeatedly how much I loved them as I warmed up left-over bagels and poptarts for them. My family is happy, healthy, loves each other and loves Jesus which is our family’s mission (Mission: We love each other, love others, love Jesus, and have fun because we are the Massey Tribe.) It’s a good day to love your family, hug them a little tighter, and show yourselves and others a little grace. We don’t know what others are experiencing and they don’t know what we are either: blessings or hardships. Find a way to love others selflessly today if you can. Just my morning musings. Praying you all have a fantastic day today and feel loved.